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[04 Jan 2010|07:21pm] |
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Tell Me - Galaxy 500 |
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I shouldn't, but I feel a great sense of inadequacy. Especially in the eyes of others. Mostly in the eyes of others actually. I don't think I'd be so hard on myself if I didn't perceive others finding so much defect in me.
I feel like I don't love Kate enough or treat her right.
I feel like my parents really are really disappointed in me and don't trust me or understand me or think I appriciate them. I feel like a crumby son. I didn't do much in terms of Christmas presents. Like, I didn't even get my dad anything for his birthday. I don't really feel the need or anything. I didn't work on my mom's wreath I got her until she got back from work on Christmas day. I had big plans for it, but it just ended up sucking really bad.
I feel like I can't communicate with my friends. It's like I've lost my mind. I don't say anything that makes any sense. I don't really know what to say but what comes to my mind and that's just strange things--a monomania with the word "butt". It's like... so much of what comes out of my mouth is appropriate in tone and temperament, but the actual words don't fit. Like, things that make absolutely no sense to say, "Well, that's what butt said when the butt said it was a big fat butt."
I'm tired of never being on time. The thing is that I just don't take it seriously, being on time. I sleep in way too late and stay up way to late. I'm never on time for class. I hold everybody up. I turn in movies late all the time. And I never get my assignments done on time. I used to be so good about getting bills in on time, but I'm definitely not up to par on that anymore.
I don't have a job and use all my dad's money. Which is probably why I'm so bad with the bills--I'm ashamed to call my dad for money.
I eat bad.
Too my credit I had a job, but I broke down in mind and soul and heart. I couldn't do it. But I wanted to do the mentorship instead. So I could do something and give something back of all I've taken, and make my parents proud of me, but I don't think they are. At least not for the extra effort I'm taking.
And I feel inadequate for Alonzo. I feel like there's something I'm not doing that I should. I feel like he'd be far better with another mentor. His grandma gives me high praise, but I don't think she gives Alonzo much freedom to speak his own mind. What if he doesn't like me? He does, but I just feel like I'm not good enough.
I don't do enough to avoid making a great shame of myself, and that I don't want to talk about, I'm so thoroughly ashamed. It's almost like I want disaster in my life. Why do I want this to happen to me?
I can never follow through with all the things I promise, and I never live up to the expectations people encourage me to hold for myself.
And I'm not happy with my recent writing efforts.
I really need the substituting job to come through. And the Breakthrough summer program (where I'd be teaching for the summer).
I hope my show tomorrow night goes well. Honestly, though, I think it will. I'm confident in that.
There were a few great highlights of break though.
One of the biggest was talking to that girl in Boston. First thing I did with my New Year was to make a friend. There was this pretty cute girl at the party we went to, so I told Arthur to go talk to her, but then he didn't so I did, and I just said hello and had a lot of fun talking to a girl. Like, I think just that I went up to talk to her made it kind of count for flirting, but I really didn't have any more intention that to like make each other smile and happy to meet someone at a party where we were just like chillin' at not talking to anyone. Then I introduced her to Arthur and they talked for a while. I put up a missed connection trying to get her contact to keep in touch and then also to have her keep in touch with Arthur as well. That party seemed to be full of pretty cool people. If I were in Arthur's shoes I would have been gung-ho to keep up with that girl. Not even as like a pursuit--she had a boyfriend apparently--but as a cool dawg.
We watched a lot of Twilight Zone which was fucking great. I saw my favorite episode where the bum found a bag of presents and gave them out to the meek. At the end someone comes up to him and says, "I guess there's nothing in there for you, then, huh?" And he said, "All I'd ask for is to be able to do this every year." And then as he rounds the corner there's a sleigh with reindeer and an elf, and he becomes the new Santa. That's I guess what I want. To fall into shameful obscurity and then rise to a higher calling--to lose all those I love and know, but find a new global love.
My resolution is to make friends and love them and be worth their love. I'm a new guy in Norfolk, and I want to try to give as much as I can to it. All of my friends and acquaintances.
I better get going. I'm giving peeps a ride to RVA, and then I'm heading on to Norfolk myself.
Call me crazy, but I hope for another massively difficult and trying semester. When I suffer I feel a little more confident that I'm putting my all into life and that if I go underappriciated, then I know it's them and not me.
I love you all. And I'm trying.
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| January Workout Playlist |
[29 Dec 2009|07:06pm] |
New playlist for January cardio and weight training, aptly titled January Frost Blizzard (I ran out of ideas....)
On My Way by Billy Boy On Poison
Starstrukk (Featuring Katy Perry) by 3OH!3
I Know What I Am by Band Of Skulls
Swagga Like Us (feat. Lil Wayne, Kanye West, Jay-Z) by T.I
Hot Mess by Cobra Starship
Wind It Up by Gwen Stefani
Bad Romance by Lady GaGa
Lollipop by Three 6 Mafia
Primary Colours by The Horrors
Underdog by Kasabian
Hopeless Romantic by Bouncing Souls
Stranger Than Fiction by Bad Religion
Dance with Me by The Sounds
Vicarious by Tool
We've Got His Gun by Anti-Flag
The Freaks, Nerds, and Romantics by Anti-Flag
Cath... by Death Cab For Cutie
Genius of Love by Tom Tom Club
I Can't Wait by Nu Shooz
1.2 hours of fun random stuff that just keeps me bobbing my head.
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[29 Dec 2009|03:10am] |
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Girl Don't Tell Me - the Beach Boys |
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"Mmmm, tastes like heaven... just like it says on the tub!"
Jessup puts the margarine back, mixing it with the generic brand. He mindlessly grazes his finger along the neon light inside of the freezer as he walks back and forth a few paces.
"What is it I want?"
Jessup's mom sent him to pick up cream cheese, but--MIND FART!--he can't think for the life of him what that is.
"Is it the clumpy, sticky soup that I eat for breakfast?"
Jessup takes his finger out of the freezer and wipes a gnat onto his corduroys and continues pacing. He'd narrowed it down to this area—the spreads.
"No, no, the breakfast soup is something else. But, then, what is the breakfast soup?"
Jessup reopens the tub of margarine to think. Taking in a strong whiff, Jessup is shocked and drops the margarine on the floor. He gasps with his fingertips at his cheeks, and his pupils tuck and hide as his eyes widen in front of the spreads display. He smiles.
"Cottage cheese!"
Jessup runs down the aisle and, over shooting the dairy display into the breakfast juices, he kicks his sneakers in the other direction and doesn’t stop until he sees his reflection in the glass freezer door.
"But what did Mom want?"
Jessup fills his cheeks with air and blows it all out like Mr. Winter onto the door. He giggles while the condensation clears.
“Milk!”
Jumping slightly off of his feet, he high-fives his reflection and opens the door, grabs a gallon of milk and walks to the front of the store.
"Mmmmmom! Mmmmmilk!"
She looks up from her shopping list to see Jessup tripping down the aisle without her cream cheese. Hair falls over her eyes as she looks down.
“Mmmm… tastes like heaven!” Jessup says.
His cold fingers hurt from grasping the line of plastic inside the handle of the milk carton. It’s too heavy, and he lets it go. The carton breaks along the line that continues from the handle, and milk pushes dust bunnies away as it falls out of the broken carton.
A laugh escapes Jessup’s mom’s mouth like a gull’s caw. She turns her back to Jessup, looks briefly to the air, and pushes the cart away from Jessup and the mess. Jessup jumps in the puddle of milk and runs away, cawing to any fellow seagulls in the store.
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[28 Dec 2009|10:20pm] |
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Caring for Cell 44 - The Zombies |
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Baaaaaaaaaaaaack from the funeral.
Lots of conversation not worth having. All conversation not worth having, actually, with two exceptions:
any with Aunt Gloria, the true hero of the hour
and the one with the kid who doesn't like reading because it's too hard
Really, it was nice to be with the family. And I'm very glad I got to see Uncle Don. The funeral was wonderful. The company was dear and the atmosphere very loving. But the conversation--when it was AND wasn't happening--gave me such a headache and dismal soul.
On the way there I couldn't shake the feeling that my family hated me.
On the way back I couldn't shake the feeling that I hated my family.
In both cases, though, I felt my soul sucked out of me and put on display, naked, where I didn't want it to be seen.
I'm almost done with Crime and Punishment and can soon start a new book. One to read over the New Year. IN BOSTON!
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!
I almost forgot--I'm going to Boston for New Years with Courtney to see Arthur.
My dad's coming a day later and we'll meet with the family for an extended lunch or something. (See---I still love my family)
It's gonna be so cool. I've decided to fly in early and wander the cold ass city. I've got two goals.... three, really:
1. get covered in sperm
2. walk alone in the museum of fine arts in Boston
3. good will hunt in Havard Square
The other goals are hanging with Arthur and Courtney.
Q: What do they call Arthur and Courtney in the bathroom in France?
A: AC/WC
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| 10 Songs |
[26 Dec 2009|03:53pm] |
Not a tag, but rather after hours of listening to iTunes on random and listening to music I haven't heard in awhile.
10 Songs that Never Cease to Amaze Me (aka Songs that changed Music for me)
In random order
1. Team Sleep- Natalie Portman
While the song in question has nothing to do with Natalie Portman really, the song is a beautiful ambient track that explores the rolling waves of crescendos and decrescendos. The song was later remade into a song on Team Sleep's debut album, and renamed to "Live from the Stage", and the two couldn't be farther from each other. Nevertheless, the song has remained a staple in my playlists of random songs because it doesn't quite fit anywhere because it is simplified in one word: amazing.
2. Daniel Johns/Paul Mac- Three
One of Daniel's side projects with DJ Paul Mac, the I Can't Believe It's Not Rock! EP came out before Daniel was stricken with reactive arthritis and was released prior to Diorama. Despite the fact that the five track EP was collaborated with a DJ known for deep bass grooves and wild experimentation, "Three" emerged as an amalgamation between Classical and Modern Rock. It is simplified as "Three" because that is exactly what you hear: lush cello, delicate piano, and tapered guitar. Three instruments, no voices, and while simple in form, it never ceases to calm me down and put me into a meditative state.
3. Belle & Sebastian- Expectations
If you ever feel the need to develop into the singer/songwriter genre of indie rock, skip over Bright Eyes and go straight for Belle & Sebastian. While they may have been a joke in High Fidelity, they got the upper hand in (500) Days of Summer in a discussion about the popularity of Boy with the Arab Strap. For me, "Expectations" has all the ingredients you need in an indie song- a story you can follow, a simple repeating guitar rift, and thin layering of piano, brass, and violins. The story is the gem here, and it simply cannot hurt that you have a nice Scottish voice keeping you engaged the entire 3 minutes and 34 seconds.
4. The Smiths- Back to the Old House
Even if you hate Morrissey for whatever reason, there are plenty of Smiths songs that simply need to be heard. "Back to the Old House" features more of Marr's amazing guitar, and Morrissey does not purposely push his voice into a sharp quarter tone like on other tracks. In fact, I dare say he actually blends with Marr's guitar. The Smiths were only together for a short time and much like Blur in that the public wishes they'd finally play together again, members of The Smiths hate each other with such passion that it makes you wonder how the hell they managed to make such great music during the time they were together.
5. Tool- Right in Two
So many people will talk about their love of Tool but really don't have much to say about their work outside of Lateralus. Venture to 10,000 Days for almost a continuation of the journey that Lateralus begins. "Right in Two" includes the polyrhythms that Tool is known for, but the sound is much more primitive than modern. With sparse drumming, guitar and bass, there is no one main feature in this song, but the beauty of it is the ensemble feeling. Despite the thin composition, the difficult rhythmic patterns, everything fits together like a puzzle piece.
6. Radiohead- Idioteque
Whenever I hear this song, I immediately begin dancing. Now you may not see the dancing, but trust me- I'm bustin' a move. Radiohead for the longest time was targeted as some college rock band that drifted off somewhere, only to emerge with OK Computer, which frankly blew everyone's minds. For me, however, it wasn't until Kid A that I really appreciated Radiohead's range and abilities. "Idioteque" could easily be paraded about as a Moby track, but let's not give Moby the credit for this genius track. Apparently Thom Yorke has an inner DJ waiting to blow everyone's minds.
7. Placebo- Every You, Every Me
Admit it. You love this song. You remember the opening sequence to Cruel Intentions and you wanted to know what that song was. It fit the scene perfectly, and somehow you thought it fit your depressing yet happy life. I'm right there with you. The song breaks down as this: while in a mostly minor key, the song has lots of major chords, the lyrics are simple in rhythmic pattern, and the hook comes back so often that you find yourself tapping your steering wheel while in traffic. Frankly when I hear this song, I want to run and jump and sweat until I'm tired and collapse from exhaustion.
8. Bat for Lashes- Prescilla
Natasha Khan is something amazing that emerged in the 2000's, and thank God. It's again the words that she sings that grab you, but then your ears start to question what you're really hearing. Yes, those are people stomping and clapping. Yes, that's an auto-harp. Yes, that's a kid's piano. I will just say that more people need to use the auto-harp. Seriously.
9. The Arcade Fire- Rebellion (Lies)
The Arcade Fire reminds me of student teaching only because I listened to Funeral and Neon Bible on repeat every morning before I drove to my schools. For four months, I never switched out these cds. That's simply because The Arcade Fire are absolute geniuses. Then when I heard them on the Super Bowl, I was afraid that they'd suddenly come out from underneath the covers(ha!) and everyone would suddenly jump on them. But luckily that didn't happen and they went back underground to quietly reemerge with music now and then. If you're looking for the song that got me into them, look no further than "Rebellion (Lies)".
10. The Cure- Pictures of You
If your image of Cure fans are people with messy black hair, red lipstick, and tons of black eyeliner...well you'd be right cause that's pretty much what they look like. However, The Cure is not some "doom and gloom" band. Almost all of their songs are poppy and danceable. If The Cure played at those proms in those horrible 80's movies, you can imagine that you'd pay a whole lot more attention to the plot than at Emilio Estevez or the rest of the Brat Packers. "Pictures of You" is a beautiful love song that really doesn't get enough credit. I plan on having it playing at my wedding.
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